Supporting a Partner With Postpartum Depression: A Dad's Guide

You will probably spend more time with your partner in the first months after birth than anyone else, which makes you the person most likely to notice if something is wrong. Postpartum depression is common, treatable, and often missed. Knowing the signs is one of the most important things you can do.

If you’re worried about immediate safety, including thoughts of self-harm or of harming the baby, call or text 988, call 911, or go to the nearest emergency room. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7 at 1-833-852-6262 (call or text) (HRSA).

Baby blues vs. postpartum depression

Baby blues are extremely common in the first days after birth: tearfulness, mood swings, irritability, anxiety and trouble sleeping. According to ACOG, they usually go away within about two weeks.

Postpartum depression (PPD) is more intense and lasts longer. ACOG says it affects about 1 in 8 women after birth. It can start during pregnancy or any time in the first year. Signs include (NIMH):

• Persistent sadness, anxiety, or feeling empty.
• Feeling hopeless, worthless, or guilty (“I’m a terrible mother”).
• Irritability or anger.
• Losing interest in things she used to enjoy.
• Trouble bonding with the baby.
• Sleeping too little even when the baby sleeps, or too much.
• Changes in appetite.
• Trouble concentrating or making decisions.
• Thoughts of harming herself or the baby.

Postpartum anxiety and OCD are also common and often look like constant worry, racing thoughts, or intrusive, frightening thoughts about the baby being hurt. Postpartum psychosis is rare but an emergency: confusion, seeing or hearing things that aren’t there, paranoia, or extreme agitation. Call 911.

What to say

Lead with care and specifics, not diagnosis:

• “I’ve noticed you seem really down, and you’re not sleeping even when the baby is. How are you really doing?”
• “This happens to a lot of new moms. It’s not your fault, and it’s treatable.”
• “Can I call your doctor and set up an appointment? I’ll come with you.”

Avoid: “Snap out of it,” “You should be happy,” “Other moms manage,” or making it about how hard it’s been for you.

Get her care

1. Call her OB, midwife or primary care provider. Many practices screen for depression at postpartum visits; she doesn’t have to wait for one.
2. Go with her if she wants, and help describe what you’ve seen.
3. Treatment works. It may include therapy, medication (many options are compatible with breastfeeding), support groups, and practical help with sleep and childcare.
4. Find peer support. Postpartum Support International has helplines, online groups and a provider directory.

Take things off her plate

Depression makes everything harder. Practical help matters:

• Protect her sleep. Take night shifts; a solid 4 to 5 hour stretch can make a real difference.
• Feeding: support whatever plan helps her most, including bottles or formula if that relieves pressure.
• Food, laundry, visitors, older kids: yours, or delegate to family and friends.
• Get her outside and around people who make her feel better.

Look after yourself too

Partners of people with PPD are at higher risk of depression themselves. Make sure someone is checking on you, and read about paternal postnatal depression. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and your family needs you well.